Opening Night 2013: How Big is Your Boner?

Tonight is the start of another NFL season, a glorious night. The defending Super Bowl Champion Baltimore Ravens take on the Broncos in Denver. The Broncos, considered by many to be the favorites to reach the Super Bowl this season from the AFC, are 7.5 favorites tonight (as I write this at 7:30am).

These two teams have some high powered fantasy stars. I tried to breakdown each fantasy matchup this week, and see which matchup will provide the most excitement, if you will.

The boner scale is rated based on the clothes worn on a woman.

[*Lineups are subject to change]

Porter vs. Damien – Booty shorts and a tank top with no bra (intrigue is there, but not sure what her intentions are)

Porter has one starter Wes Welker, his #2 WR, and one bench player Ronnie Hillman in this game. Obviously, Porter is looking for at least 12-15 points from Welker and will also have a keen eye on the snaps and carries the Broncos give to Hillman in that crowded backfield. Damien has no interest in the game, besides the fact of rooting against Welker.

Goodman vs. Linto – Lingerie sleepwear (at the very least, you’ll slip a finger in)

upton

Very similar to the Porter/Damien matchup.

Goodman owns Eric Decker, his flex play this week, while Linto is starting Denver’s kicker Matt Prater. Linto also has Denver RB, Knowshon Moreno on his bench, who he will be sure to monitor.

Goodman is expecting about 10-15 points from Decker, while Linto should expect anywhere in the 5-9 point range from Prater.

Jason vs. Goldberg – Hoodie and tight jeans with a really nice butt (blue balls)

lopez

All we got going on here is Goldberg with Monte Ball on his bench. Basically, these two are getting the all-time football tease tonight, the equivalent of blue balls.

That Denver backfield is such a mess, no one can really start anyone, but Goldberg, Linto, and Porter will be monitoring the situation closely.

Tepel vs. Snake – V-neck t-shirt with nice cleavage and jeans (something to look at)

alba

Tepel is starting Ravens kicker Justin Tucker and has Ravens backup RB on his bench to keep an eye on, in Bernard Pierce. Blake decided to start the Rams against the Cards instead of the Broncos against the Ravens as his defense this week.

Basically, “it’s tits” = “it’s football”. Something to look at—something to watch for these guys. Better than nothing.

LaRose vs. Phil – Completely naked in a cowboy hat (It’s gonna happen!)

Ray Rice (LaRose) vs. Peyton Manning (Phil). Quite possibly this fantasy matchup’s most important NFL game of the week and it’s the first one on the schedule. Shall be a doozy!

Phil has to be hoping for at least 20 from Manning, and LaRose should expect 15-20 from Rice.

Scott vs. Stan – Bathing suit (good chance of a nipple or ass check popping out)

Scott has his #1 WR tonight in Denver’s Demaryius Thomas and also has the Ravens defense on his bench (decided to start TB over Baltimore this week).

Stan has the pleasure of rooting against Thomas, and also has Ravens WR, Torrey Smith on his bench.

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About Andrew Porter

Andrew Porter is the creator and editor-in-chief for theschoolphilly.com. Born and raised in Northeast Philadelphia, he currently works for Sportsradio94WIP and contributes to CBSPhillysports.com. Porter graduated from Penn State University in 2012.

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